Saturday, May 8, 2010

How to Ruin a Perfectly Nice Day

One of the reasons I look forward to the weekend is because I have the time to sleep in a little, and to take Raphaela to the park without worrying about patient phone calls or specific dead lines. This afternoon, we took advantage of a warm Shabbat and went to the park down the street; we played on the swings and the slide, and I set up an activity blanket on the grass where we blew bubbles and hung out. I had dressed her in a blue outfit, one of the few that was appropriate for this heat, and so every parent kept asking me about my son, and after a certain point I stopped correcting them. My child will wear colors other than pink, and it doesn't change her anatomy.

The fun and relaxation of the day was tainted, however, by the looming fears about the week ahead. No matter how hard I try, I cannot stop myself from worrying (some might argue, obsessing) about the "what ifs." Even when I am enjoying the moment, the stress bubbles inside me, and I know that Raphaela can pick up on it.

For example, tomorrow Raphaela has a scheduled vaccination, the first since she was born, and I keep playing out scenarios of reported complications.

And every time I check my email, I am afraid that a mildly disturbed colleague will continue to bombard my inbox with border line verbally abusive messages.

My actual week could be more full, ever since I returned from the States I feel like I have to remind people that I am working. It is almost like the period of time after my maternity leave ended, my schedule is sluggish to say the least, and apart from the basic financial needs, I dislike having holes in the middle of my day, it shuts down my energy and my inertia.

I am especially aware of financial issues, now that I have begun the process of moving. Though only in the very initial stages, I would like to be in a new (more modern) home by September/October, when Raphaela turns one year old. I am still keen on moving to Efrat, where I have friends and a stronger sense of community, but apparently there is a housing shortage caused by the temporary building freeze. Rentals have become more expensive, and houses seem way past my budget, no matter how many tax breaks I get for being a single mother and buying over the Green Line.

I envision a good life for me and my daughter, filled with the joy we have now and more comfortable physical conditions, and I must keep my inner eye on the goal. It would be easier if I had a consistent and stable support system.

1 comment:

koshergourmetmart said...

originally blue was a girl color - see snow white and cinderella-both dressed in blue. Don't take offense at people's assumptions. babies do not look like their sex (many boys with long hair not cut yet b/c their parents are doing an upsherin look like girls)

don't obsess about the future-you did about flying to america and that worked out fine (the actual flight and even staying at your folsk longer) you were worried about going away for your first Shabbat weekend and that worked out find too.

you do have a backup financially which are your parents-think of all the single moms who do not have parents who can help them.

as long as she is happy, well fed and has a loving mother you will be fine